Scattered flowers amongst the fallen ashes
Believing, deceiving, holding the ashes as snow in your palm
Holding on to tales of God, just too save your sanity
Wearing thin, running a hand along your porcelain skin
Holding the mask to your face with the other
Held to your face to cover the scars

Holding onto your passion your grace behind closed doors
The memories remain all yours
Once seen in a daylight hour
Now only waking as a broken flower
The moon she sings to you of peaceful things
She will show you the way, the truth
But the truth how it stings

The path is bitter sweet
But they wait for you on the other side
Try to enter but the lies they hide
winding themselves around a veiled truth
Taken to unholiness in your roots
Walking on the frozen shattered hearts
Only one beats through the empty night
It is hers and soon your own

~Candace

why do I try to stand out when I know I'll always just we that blade of grass amongst the field of a million others.  Always over looked always misunderstood and never respected.  I don't know why I try anymore.  Perhaps because no matter how many times I fail my heart always desires it.  I reach my heart out to almost anyone that will latch on and they toss it away like its trash.  New York in 2 years... New York...  all those people... I will truly be invisible.

A friend of mine just called me frankly we had a falling out on the basis that she didn't like my other friends but we just talked for the longest time. I miss her. ~sighs~ I miss them all.

Well last night was fun. Tried to get drunk on Jagermiester and Sour Apple Pucker but the night ended in the stupidity of my drunken friends and high tollerance sober me. Really I think my previous migrane swollowed all the alcohol, because after 16 shots of 1/2 jager 1/2 mountain dew shots and about 14 shots of apple pucker I didn't even have the slightest buzz. My headach was gone though.

Any how, as the ball dropped my friend shouted that she had to pee, waited 1 min. 30 sec. for the ball to drop and then ran into the bathroom. Seconds later she shouted drunkenly, "first tinkle of the New Year."

Anyway, It snowed last night, so I got my Christmas wish a week late. Snow has always been something I viewed as beautiful and magical. Too bad it leaves so quickly, leaving behind only the bitter cold that lingers in the air and makes things dreary and mushy out after it melts. I hope for it to snow again.

I do so now have one small regret. That I didn't spend the New Year with Mathew. And my thoughts linger deeply on this because while I could have said yes to his invite to a party, I turned him down because I was afraid. Afraid of breaking two hearts, his and mine. I leave for Arizona in 3 months. No sence in getting so emotionally attached to someone new only to tell them I must leave them now is there?

New Years Resolution: My friends and I have decided to try and loose weight. (I want to loose 15 lb before I leave for Arizona)

I had a rather good christmas. My mother and I were kind of upset because he bought all of my sisters and I ipods and charged them to the credit card. I also got sock monkey slippers, The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (leather bound), a James Dean compact, and some pots and pans for my kitchen.

Anyway, my mother out of concern got me to go to the doctor (or forced me rather) because my knee was still hurting from when I fell in october. So Thursday I went to the doctor and ended up getting an x-ray. I'd never had one before so it was kind of scary. Anyway, after it was done they told me they hadnt found anything so they (the doctors) needed to set up an MRI (expensive)! To makesure I hadn't torn any tendons or cracked any cartlidge.

So Friday morning at 8 am I got that done. It lasted forever and clastrophobia was sort of setting in by the time it was over I was glad. Luckly they only had to do the test on my knee. Anyway, it hurts really bad but I don't get to find out the results untill next week sometime.

Here's hopping,
Candace

Mean while I found out the medicine I'm taking for my acid reflux is blockin my calcium in-take, weakening my bones so I have to double it. I am now praying that all this will be better and before I know it I'll be riding horses like a princes in the Arizona desert.

Today I took my room mate to work at 8:30 am, went to visit my parents, ended up falling asleep on their couch, slept till 12:30, got to work at 1 pm, was exhausted the entire time and felt dizy, while people kept telling me that I didn't look very well, I got a bloody nose at work, wasn't very hungery for lunch so all I had was some yogurt and a bottle of water, now my throat hurts. I can't afford to get sick again.

I hadn't had a nightmare in months untill lastnight. I can't explain them at all. I see no conection to anything that happens before the nightmares nor do I see anything that would keep this going. I figured facing my fears would change all that. I figured falling out of the phase of being afriad of men would change it. I'm still afriad of men, don't get me wrong about that, I'm just not letting it control me as I used to. However, the dreams still persist.

I find myself in a dark hallway. I can see nothing infront of me save for a light. I can tell by its shape that its a door. I enter and look around. Its a soft glow within a room. The room is beautiful don't get me wrong, but he was there. He didn't move when I entered, just sat there with his back turned. I kept quiet and went to back away because I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see him, I wanted to get out and run as far away as I could. But where was this that I was anyhow? How could I run when I didn't know where to go.

"please stay" he whispered softly and then stood up slowly with his back still turned facing the window over looking a city street (I could tell from the lights of cars passing by it).

"I can't and I won't." I said to him bitterly wanting desperately to leave.

He grabbed my hand, which startled me because he hadn't been close enough to take my hand just before I tried to turn away and now instantly he was there. I merely figured it part of a long chain of phisical rules broken within dreams all the time.

"Oh but your not dreaming." he said as he kissed my hand gently. I tried to pull it away but he held tight to my hand. "What happened?" He asked in a gently tone, not sounding angery but merely sad that I was trying to leave him.

"what do you mean?" I asked

He carressed my hand and kissed it. "I mean you don't wish to be with me anymore. You once told me you loved me and now you try to run." He let go of my hand and turned his back looking horribly grieved.

"I can't be with you. I hardly know you, what is love anyway? Could you not find another person?" I asked him hopping to maybe calm his soul. He told me that such things were "easier said than done." I walked toward him and touched his shoulder; he was much taller than me (Meh I'm short any how 5'6 to be exact), and he turned around, gazing strait into my eyes. I couldn't help but do the same. He had lovely dark brown eyes. Taking his cold hand he touched my neck and put my hair behind my shoulder still starring deep into my eyes. I shivered a bit and it was then that he kissed me deeply and then pulled back.

"Don't lie to yourself or to me" he said sounding cold.

I shivered, it was cold in the room and then I suddenly realized that I was back in my room. I opened my eyes and it was exactly 3:00 am (It's always 3 am when I wake from these dreams. "I hate you" I whispered. I tried to get back to sleep but couldn't. I made some coffee and then watched the sunrise out my window.

Now that I think deep on this... this is my dream, I can do what I damn well please in it. Next dream I may just attempt to kill him. Without him there can be no more dream.

can someone that is one guildedlily's friends list please let her know that I still wish to be her friend. I can't reach her because it seems I've been deleted or forgotten about. If she doesn't wish to be my friend any longer let me know.

Thanks,
FallenAngel

Well, my car has officially died. It decided to commit Harri-kari (suicide) last night and hydro-planed into another car. It scared me, especially when the air bag came out, and then when I got out of the car the woman wasn't moving. She's alright though, she wasn't wearing a seat belt and hit her face a bit on the steering wheel. No harm caused to her or her vehicle. My vehicle however got the front end smashed it. The battery is smashed, the headlights, the radiator. My father seems to think he can fix it and I might move back home and get another job so I can pay for my car and help fix it on my days off. I hope he's right because I still need that car to get to Arizona. Mean while I was afraid to drive today so I had my father drive me to school this morning, and my mother's going to pick me up after the CAAP test. Also, they are going to lend me the car I used to drive when I lived at home so I can get around until the other is fixed.

Mean while Wal-mart (bless their bloody hearts), wouldn't give me the day off on friday so I'm calling in "sick" and going to volunteer at the animal rescue league for class credit anyway. I'm really getting sick of Wal-mart's shit! They can just go shove it for all I care. For christ sake, they made me stay at work the other day after I'd thrown up because for the love of god... they "needed" me because I was the only one there scheduled that knew how to close down the photo lab. >_< I might just quit and find another job.